10 REASON’S PEOPLE STRGGULE TO LEAVE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

LEAVING CAN BE DANGEROUS

People who are being abused in a relationship face unique challenges specifically when leaving. They often struggle with their decision to leave, even though they want to get out.

• Approximately 75% of women who are killed by their batterers are murdered when they attempt to leave or after they have left an abusive relationship. 

 Whether you’re an abuser or you want to help someone you know who is being abused, this page provides information about abuse recovery and what you can do to overcome the challenges faced when trying to leave an abusive relationship.

1. THEY BELIEVE THEY CAN CHANGE THEIR ABUSER

When people are in abusive relationships, they may feel like their partners will change. They may believe that their partners have the capacity to genuinely care about them, but their hurtful behavior is just a result of stress or some other outside factor. However, abuse comes from within. Even if something like work-related stress contributes to the abuse in an existing relationship, it’s important to recognize that this is not a valid explanation for abusive behavior. If your partner ever hits you or makes you feel unsafe and scared, they need to take responsibility for that—not blame it on something else.

Abusers don’t just decide to change one day; they must make a concerted effort over time with appropriate professional help in order to overcome abusive tendencies. So if your partner claims they’ll be different next time (and there will always be a next time), don’t believe them—they’re probably lying as part of a cycle of manipulation so that you’ll stay with them longer and give them more chances despite their harmful behavior.

2. THEY ARE AFRAID OF THE ABUSERS’ THREATS

It’s common for abusers to threaten their partners with violence. Sometimes, they have a history of using force or aggression against their partner, so the threat may be credible. But even if they haven’t been physically violent in the past, the threat of violence is still abuse and manipulation. Abusers often threaten to commit suicide if their partners leave them. This is a form of emotional blackmail intended to control you and keep you from leaving.

If your abuser has threatened to harm you or your children, take these threats seriously. Talk with a trusted family member or friend about how to stay safe and call 911 or your local police department if you are in danger.

3. THEY HAVE LOW SELF-ESTEEM OR ARE ASHAMED

You may feel unworthy, guilty, or even responsible for your partner’s behavior. For example, an abuser may blame their victim for their own behavior by claiming that the victim’s actions “made” them do it. This can happen with all forms of abuse—emotional, physical, sexual, and domestic.

You may feel ashamed and embarrassed that you are in an abusive relationship. You might feel like you should have seen the warning signs earlier on or that you should be able to get out easily. You might also feel like no one will believe you if you tell them what is happening because it seems impossible to believe yourself sometimes.

But I promise you that you are not alone, & what you are experiencing is the farthest thing from normal or okay as it gets. You don’t deserve to experience it.

4. THEY THINK THE ABUSE IS THEIR FAULT

It is never your fault. No matter what is said or done, you did not cause it and you are not responsible for it. Domestic abuse is a choice the abuser makes. If your partner hurts you, it’s because they want to hurt you.

Abusers use many tactics to manipulate their partners into thinking their behavior is caused by them. Blaming the other person for their own bad behavior is just another way abusers maintain control and keep their partners from leaving. No one has the right to be abusive towards you, no matter how much they claim that what happened was your fault or that they couldn’t help themselves.

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t things you can change in order to better cope with an abusive relationship. If something about you or your behavior triggers abuse in your partner, then yes, there are changes that might make things better or worse for you within the relationship, but even if this were true it still wouldn’t be your fault!

5. THEY DON’T HAVE A PLAN OR RESOURCES FOR LEAVING

One of the reasons why people have trouble leaving abusive relationships is because they don’t have a safety plan. A safety plan is a plan to leave an abusive relationship and can include a list of places to go for help, or contacts that you can reach out to for support. Your safety plan may also include a list of items to take when leaving, and even a code word that you can use with others when you need help. The most important thing about your safety plan is that it’s customized to your needs and situation. Safety planning helps remove some of the stressors that go with leaving an abusive relationship, so be sure to create one before deciding on a course of action.

6. THEIR CHILDREN ARE BEING THREATENED AS WELL

Threats to your children can be a powerful motivator to stay in an abusive relationship. An abusive partner may threaten to inflict physical harm on your children if you leave or threaten to take custody of them if he is not allowed frequent visitation. You may fear losing your children as a result of domestic violence allegations, if the abuser’s family has the resources and influence needed to paint you as an unfit parent.

Additionally, abusers often behave differently in front of their children than they do when no one else is around. This leaves their partners and children under constant threat, never knowing which version of the abuser will show up at any given time. An abuser who shows his children love and affection could be extremely cruel behind closed doors with his partner, leaving her confused about whether she should shield her children from him or introduce them to a kinder side of him that she hopes will eventually emerge full-time.

7. THE ABUSER HAS ISOLATED THEM FROM THEIR FAMILY & FRIENDS

This is perhaps the most effective tool of keeping a victim in a relationship, because it eliminates their support network. When the abuser has successfully pushed away all other sources for love and approval, the victim comes to rely on him or her as the sole provider of these things. Unfortunately, this isn’t always obvious to outsiders looking in—from an outside perspective, it may appear that the victim is simply choosing not to spend time with their friends anymore. But if you notice that someone who used to be close with certain people (like family) no longer sees them much at all, there is most likely a reason behind it.

Again, you can help by offering support and friendship while avoiding confrontation or judgmental accusations against the victim’s partner; they will be much more receptive if they feel supported rather than attacked.

8. THEIR PETS HAVE BEEN THREATENED

Pets are part of the family. Abusers use pets as a way to threaten, intimidate, or control their victims. For example, they may hurt or kill pets as a way to gain control over the victim. Or when the victim is trying to leave the relationship, abusers may threaten to harm or kill pets if they do not return back home. Victims who have children and/or other loved ones in the same household may stay longer in an abusive relationship because of these threats.

Many shelters cannot accept animals. In fact, only about 2% of domestic violence shelters provide housing for pets (4). This makes it difficult for victims with pets to find safe places for themselves and their beloved companions. If you are being abused and have a pet, contact your local shelter and ask if they have a “safe haven” program that will keep your pet safe while you seek help at a shelter that does not accept animals.

9. THE FEAR OF HAVING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING BEHIND, INCLUDING THEIR HOME & BELONGINGS

It’s understandable to feel hesitant about leaving an abusive relationship. In addition to being physically and emotionally troubled by the situation, you might be worried about where you’ll go—and how you’ll get there. Many people who leave abusive relationships feel like they have to leave everything behind, including their homes and belongings, which can cause them to fear that there is no other option but to stay. 

But here’s the thing: You don’t have to leave everything behind. You should only bring with you what’s important—clothing, money, documents (such as IDs or insurance cards). These are items that won’t be easy or cheap to replace. It may also be helpful to keep some sentimental belongings with you—things that remind you of happier times in your life before the abuse began—but don’t bring anything that reminds you of your abuser. If possible, it’s also recommended not taking any pets if escaping a situation where a shelter is needed for safety reasons as most shelters do not allow pets due to health and safety codes.

10. THEY FEAR HAVING NO FINANCIAL SUPPORT FOR THEMSELVES OR THEIR CHILDREN

You may fear that you’ll be unable to financially provide for yourself and your children, or if you have a disability, for yourself. This fear is not unfounded. There are many things to consider when planning for financial independence, but luckily there are resources available to help you.

If you have a physical or mental disability that prevents you from working, applying for Social Security Disability Income (SSDI) is an option. If this is the first time applying for SSDI, it will take around 3-5 months before a decision regarding your application is made by the Social Security Administration (SSA). If your application isn’t approved during this time period, then it will take another 2-3 months to appeal the decision.

The Department of Labor can provide resources on finding employment through their Employment and Training Administration program (ETA). Some services include information about how to find job openings, apply for government jobs and get training after being unemployed. There are also local assistance programs in every state through Workforce Career Centers that can help people find jobs and make career decisions based on where they live.

The Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP) provides food assistance benefits to low-income households so they can buy healthy food that lasts throughout the month. To see if you qualify for SNAP benefits, check out the benefits calculator here.

HUD’s Housing Choice Voucher Program helps very low income families afford privately owned housing by subsidizing some of their rent payments each month . To see if you qualify for housing assistance from HUD’s Housing Choice Voucher Program or other programs run by HUD:.

LEAVING AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP IS SCARY, BUT THEIR ARE RESOURCES & SERVICES TO HELP

We know how difficult it is to leave an abusive relationship, but we want you to know that there are ways of doing so safely. These resources and services can help:

• Create a safety plan.

• Explore legal options such as getting a restraining order or filing for divorce or custody if you have children.

• Find shelter for yourself and/or your children.

• Get financial support from local organizations such as The Salvation Army.

• Seek counseling and therapy from both individual and group sessions with trained professionals.

• Access medical care for emotional, physical, sexual abuse or other injuries sustained during the relationship. If you need help finding medical care, contact a domestic violence hotline in your area to find out what resources are available near you.

• Don’t forget about your pets! Organizations such as RedRover offer assistance for pet care when fleeing an abusive environment where pets may not be welcome or even allowed.

There are a lot of misconceptions out there about domestic violence. But no matter how it’s portrayed or where you go, violence in any form is never okay. If you or someone you know is suffering from abuse, please reach out, and talk to someone that can help.